amprecarious

So cold

2010-04-18T22:24:00.002+05:30

Dear you,

I have decided to write about something that I have found very inconsistent with a certain belief I had held for a long while now. The belief being - The fairer sex is a lot more sensitive and sweet as compared to my own gender. Well, that's how I functioned for so long. If I ever needed emotional support I'd run to any of my agony aunts and get all the sorrow off my chest. And life got better.

Also it was generally assumed that guys try to make a wuss out of you if you showed up your insecurities or your sorrow in front of 'em. Those were the stereotypes and I trusted them too. Because in my own personal experience I have known women sweet as sugar. They talked, listened and nudged you to do the right thing. I had also known men to be a lot insensitive and get very uncomfortable when something emotional comes up. The stereotypes just seemed right.

But I've witnessed other things. Sometimes the emotional investments I made in girls just seemed to go into bottomless pits. Let me remind you I wasn't asking for these girls to get romantically involved with me or anything. I don't seek academic help in these quarters then. And it's certainly not financial support. It's plain appeal for some love and tenderness. All I'd ask for is some time and a patient mind. I've done it to people earlier. And honestly I know that if you really care for the person it ain't a tough thing to do. And what's more you like it when you do it. But surprise surprise! I seem to have come across wonderful counterexamples to the basic rule. It's girls whom I have known for sometime now, who've shared some amount of emotion, who at different points of time seemed to find me sweet. The same girls now seem to find little time for me. Or even if they do they appear reluctant to the idea of getting a little compassionate.

It's apalling at times.

See I have been trying hard not to complain. I hate to complain because often when you accuse someone of something they come up with the reason for their objectionable act and then you feel like you've done a great big mistake. I hate that. I don't wanna complain.I don't wanna complain on one girl. Or maybe two. But what do I do if it's a host of different girls. Honestly I love all of 'em. They have all been sweet to me at some point or the other and I'm personally having a tough time convincing myself they can be so cold.

At the same time, I must mention a word on my guy friends. They are invaluable. I mean, the whole stereotype of cold, macho and insenstive blokes is not totally wrong in that you have to wait for the guys to open up. They take time. They have been raised believing that they are strong and they shall never cry. But they do know they are emotional and once you gain their trust that you'll never take them for sissies and respect their capabilities, they tend to be more open about what they feel and they often understand how you feel too. I love you guys.

But then, is the sensitive and sweet female stereotype a farce? Are they all so cold?

Nope. I told you I've known unbelievably sweet women and I also have noticed the traits in other ones. But upon a fair bit of contemplation I have come up with a hypothesis. What's troubling me is perhaps the age.

Girls my age alike guys my age have their own share of insecurities, peer pressure, indecisiveness and lack of exposure. Helping someone out involves yourself being strong enough to help. It involves feeling secure about the whole act. Feeling secure with the person one is helping, feeling secure about the rightness of the act. Rightness in terms of time and emotion. Am I worth the expenditure? What if they got so sweet and nice and I ended up being a useless jerk?(Insecurity) Now that's a total waste of time and energy isn't it? (More insecurity) What'll people think? (Lack of exposure) And then, there are the girls who haven't put up with this shit and they are better off aren't they? (Peer pressure)

That I think is the problem. When the same girls get rid off their insecurities I guess they'll be much more compassionate. That's also a reason why I like older women. The assertiveness and self-assured nature I see in some of them is priceless. I bet these friends of mine will also turn into these assertive and loving women. See they wouldn't be friends if they never showed any love. They have been nice at some earlier point of time and some bullshit came up and then they went cold. That's what I tell myself. Because I still love these girls. I have invested so much emotion in them there's no going back. They probably just don't have enough time now. Or there are other things they have to look into. But then they'll come back some day and then things will be fine again. (You may think I'm kidding myself but life runs on hope. Else I'll make new friends).

I was hurt for a while. Not anymore now that I vented it all off here and made a fool of myself. But I always come to final principles when I sit and analyse. This time I just decided I don't invest if I am expecting returns. See, if I'm hurt it's cuz I let them.

It's because I didn't get what I expected. It's for them to give or deny. It's not mine to question why.

Love,
Prathyush.

Wishlists!

2009-10-02T13:06:00.002+05:30

Dear you-

On account of my teenage ending in about 11 days from now, my best friend recently emailed me asking for 'a list of your ten favorite things in the world.' The mail said 'They can be across categories and absolutely unconnected, but they should be your absolute favorite things..'

I gave it a lot of thought. I mean, it's tough to decide. However, after a little brainstorming I did send an email. While I looked at the mail again, I figured it had a lot of 'me' in it. Thought I'd very well share it with you. Here goes -

********************************************

Hey!
I'm guessing you'll hate me for this. However, there are two lists. One that consists of only inanimate objects or concepts like, I assume, you wanted the listed to be. However, the other list includes inanimate objects, abstract feelings and living beings too. So here we go -

The list of my absolutely favourite things
1) Time with you
2) Rahman
3) My black Labrador Snoopy that my dad's given away to somebody else
4) Books and Movies. A very limited set would be - 'To kill a mockingbird'(the book), 'Shawshank Redemption'(the movie) and 'Anbe Sivam'
5) Abhi and Shilpa and many others who've been really sweet to me. Touchwood!
6) Hugs
7) A cuddle buddy (A living being, not a teddy bear!)
8) Good food and good company together
9) Demystifying human thought and finding the meaning of consciousness

I think we'll leave one slot in the list cuz there might be many things that can vie for this slot and finishing this list might not give them the value they deserve.

List of inanimate objects or concepts that I fancy
1) A breakfast buffet with good company
2) A working mobile in your possession so we could chat slightly more often.
3) A nice chatty letter from positively anyone
4) Roller skates
5) Any book that is a good guide for making a movie or making coffee
6) A speaker set
7) A bean bag or a hammock to tie in my room
8) A bar fridge or a USB cup warmer
9) A good swiss knife

And then we have the most important thing - any surprise from you. I mean, hey, the clothes you gave me back then, I wore them out and stopped wearing 'em cuz I had outgrown them too much. So, my good friend, anything from you should be my absolutely favourite thing ever. You knew that, didn't you?

Love,
Prathyush P.

****************************************************

The lists are of course not exhaustive nor accurate as is the case with most lists with non-quantifiable parameters. But then, I enjoyed writing them.

Love,
Prathyush P.

The Agenda

2009-04-17T15:12:00.000+05:30

Dear you,

I gotta write to you today. While I have a little time, I mean. The hostel nights are all done (Ganga in particular was great fun!) and it's going to be hectic from now on. So, as I have this little time, I'll write to you.

A few days back I realised I have completely used up a full scribbling pad for the first time in life and it felt funny. From the beginning of the last semester, I had always carried this pad in Poppy (my backpack .yeah, that's what I call it - Poppy) and I wrote so much on this pad. Plans, schedules, essays, lists, font of Russian and important words in French, poems, letters, hopes, and other vague stuff. It feels like I have a bit of me written down on it. Some torn and dumped in the bin or some mailed to my penfriend (who, I presume, keeps letters safe). When I went through the contents of my pad once more before I replace it with a similar new one, it gave me some kind of a nostalgic surge of which I'll probably not talk about now. But what I want to talk about here, in this letter, is the Agenda (yeah, with an A).

After jotting down my name neatly on the first page, the Agenda was the first thing I had written down on my pad. The very first page on the very day of my fifth semester. I had freshly come back from a vacation filled with home, Delhi and Hyderabad (read peace, exhilaration and more of it). As I might have mentioned in my earlier letter, Delhi changed things for me. I was not so much a different person but my perspectives changed and likewise, my interaction with you.

I wanted to make this change explicit. Capture it in writing and implement it so it doesn't go away. I wanted to have a document of my own rules and principles which I could follow and I wanted something customised for myself unlike the scriptures. I also wanted it to be short and to the point so I'll have no issues sorting things out when confused.And that's when I wrote the Agenda which I'll walk you through in the remaining of the letter.

These were the points I wanted to concentrate on -

Dependence, forgetfulness, complaints, weakness, over self-centredness

Vital points they are. See, I wanted to make myself happy. I needed a lot of analysis to figure out what was wrong and I figured a number of things. Very small things like running to a neighbour everytime I had to brush my teeth. Just cuz I didn't buy my own toothpaste for like a week. I would hitch lifts because I didn't have time to get my cycle repaired. Copy assignments cuz I didn't do them myself. I needed people to go out. I needed people to study. Oh!a number of things... I just was too much of a parasite although I didn't need to be. That how I came to write my first point.

1)Independence - Use your own resources, your own cash. Depending on others can trouble you in their absence.Make lists of what you need and just keep getting when there's time. Remember, if you keep asking others, that's a bad sign of immaturity.

Really, I wanted to grow up. 'Grow up, kiddo!' are the departure words I got when I was leaving Delhi along with a hug and a pat on the head. I of course couldn't forget that. I wanted to grow up. I didn't really know what that meant. I found that over time and got to to the job soon.

My second point comes to life with my notorious reputation of being forgetful. My english teacher, back in class five would call me 'absent minded professor' and I liked it. It felt sweet and important. I always would be lost in some cool fantasy or some deep analysis or simple thinking and not pay much attention to things going on. But it wasn't until B.Tech that I began to lose my keys,forget due assignments, miss out on classes and there were a number of other things. Small, painful and of complete Ouch!! value. It wasn't so sweet anymore. I had to deal with this in the second point.

2)Consciouness - Whatever be the fantasies, however good, they work only when practical things go in the right manner. Someone else has been taking care all the while but no dependence requires you to do things yourself. The better updating, the more comfortable and independent.

The third is generic of most kids. I guess you've seen this too. Stuff goes wrong .Things go wrong. And you keep thinking of how unfair it all is. In my case I went to the extent of believing that the whole universe was conspiring to screw me. It took me quite a while to convince myself to be happy when things got screwed up. I would like to quote Bertrand Russell here (although not in the very same words) - "If you are losing sleep worrying over some issue, think about it. If there's something that you can do about it, just get up and go do it. If there's nothing in your hands, just go to sleep." Wise man, ain't he? Anyhow, the third point goes -

3)Complaints - The world does not work for you. You do. Control the controllables. Once you've done all you can, sit back and rest in peace. What happens afterwards is not your responsibility. A tough course, infinite coding, bad schedule, untimely rains - whatever be the case, hold it and be relaxed. Remember the conversation(A rather simply profound conversation of which, my dear reader, I may not have told you before and of which I can't write here). Be inspired. Be reasonable.

I thought I had just about everything to be happy now. I had the plan ready. And also the raw material for happiness. I was looking to dive into production instantly. But I needed the maintenance equipment. Else it would all come breaking soon. Uhm, pardon me if my industry metaphor sounds geeky. However, this gets me to the next point of the Agenda - the maintenance equipment for the the happiness production - Strength.

4)Strength - If you want to depend on yourself, you need to be strong enough to bear yourself. There'll be blows and you should take them. Mentally and physically. You should be able to support rather than be parasitic. Trust and Respect are elicited thus.

There are three categories of happiness according to me. The kind I acquire from sensory or intellectual joys like say, good music, gripping cinema, insightful discourses, and a whole plethora of small joys of life like indefinitely long conversations, free hugs, cycle trips to Mahabs and perhaps, a chatty letter to a smart girl with beautiful long hair.

The second category is the kind of happiness we derive from the notions of success or achievement - stuff that I, my kids and grandkids could be proud of.

And finally there's the feeling of knowing that you haven't much to regret in life. Oh, that should be the ideal state!

And interestingly, most of the description for happiness categories requires people. Really, even if I was a very strong and powerful chap who will never need any support from anybody , I would still need people to talk to, joke with, hug, argue with, flirt(uhm, at least when I start flirting) and go on cycle trips with. If I make myself devoid of these pleasures, I doubt if I'll be able to enjoy life at all. This simply proves one point - People are important. They are great sources of happiness and I had rather treat them with care.
And that brings us to the last point -

5)Open up - Listen to them, understand them. You will need help any point of your life however independent and strong you might be. You only return the favour by letting other people access you. Put yourself in their shoes. The day you can be sure that there are so many people who know they can rely on you and who trust you to do the right thing, there'll be no looking back. You'll be a man!

There was a small postscript - Confidence, Comfort, Courage and Compassion are very necessary outcomes

and a simple reminder to myself Most Important - Be happy for God's sake!

Hmmm.. I think I'll now tuck my scribbling pad somewhere cosy and get back to my business. Before I sign off however, I think I can tell you that I am nowhere close to the ideal happy state I want to be in and I know I might never be. Albeit I think I'll remain in the pursuit and meanwhile I live in these shades of gray and in the trust I so unquestioningly confer on myself.

Hope you are busy making yourself happy too.

Love,
Prathyush.

Likeability Meter

2009-02-21T17:00:00.000+05:30

Dear you,

hope you won't get weird about this one. I've been thinking for a long while that most people generally screw up in their relationship and friendship thingies because of two reasons. I'll talk about one of them now. That is, we tend to have the totally wrong screening process for selecting the people we like. Particularly, if you think you like someone just because they look good, ain't that a grand fallacy?

I screwed up a number of times. And I didn't want to anymore. So, I devise this rather interesting idea of a short and well thought-out questionnaire for girls so I'll know what they are and how much I'll probably like them in the long run. I made this small multiple choice questionnaire when I had a little free time and this was supposed to be my likeability meter. Although the test is designed for girls, I let a number of guys take it too (given the greater availability of male variables in my sample space). In the sample screenings people have done for me I find interesting observations. Some of my better friends at IIT Madras have done quite well. However, the least was by a girl that I rather respect and the third best was by a girl who I thought was a little too kiddish. Given these two aberrations, most people I really like a lot have gotten a 70 kinda score (on 100). My pal since second standard put 85 and my best friend hit a whopping 95!

Well, It was fun while it lasted and I don't think I'll put fight to make the meter more correlative to the actual likeabilities. Anyhow, you can take this test if you please and hey, tell me the score.

1)Shah Rukh Khan
a) is awesome!
b) is pointless
c) is okay sometimes

2)'funny' is
a) a pejorative (negative) term
b) a nuetral term
c) a compliment

3) Rationality is
a) vague
b) important
c) god!

4) Ideal time spent (you need to remember you seldom can do the ideal)
a) Rain, coffee and book
b) Sitcom, potatochips and a cuddly plaything
c) Sleep in bliss

5) Say, you don't have a boyfriend (guys, consider the appropriate terms)
a) I want my prince
b) All guys are jerks!
c) Is this question necessary at all?

6) Hugs
a) are always great
b) are nice with friends
c) make me uncomfortable

7) Old beggar says he is hungry
a) buy him grub
b) give him some cash
c) ask him to buzz off

8) I (as in you, my letter reader)
a) can look good
b) can look horrible
c) look pretty normal

9) I (again you)
a) like to get pampered by my dad
b) like to get pampered by my mom
c) I don't like to get pampered

10) I
a) laugh so much
b) am often sober
c) am quite happy

The scores go as follows

1) a-0 b-5 c-10
2) a-0 b-5 c-10
3) a-0 b-5 c-10 and you get a -5 if you chose none
4) a-10 b-0 c-5
5) a-5 b-0 c-10
6) (girls) a-0 b-10 c-5 | (guys) a-5 b-10 c-0
7) a-10 b-5 c-0
8) a-5 b-5 c-10 and the you a 15 if you chose all
9) a-5 b-5 c-10
10)a-5 b-5 c-10

There you have it. And hey, I must again remind you this is one badly flawed test. So,if you didn't do well and you don't like it, I'd like you for that too.

Love,
Prathyush.

P.S: Feedback is welcome. It's my life after all!

Liar Liar!

2008-10-28T21:10:00.002+05:30

Dear you,
it's been ages. I should have been writing but I was dealing with life at large and I didn't know what to write about. A classic elephant and the blind men case. Fact is, life can't be written about in one letter nor can I resist writing. And from the mammoth wisdom I gained in recent times, you could probably flesh out a book. So, I'll write about wisdom, lessons and simple happiness later on. Some time when I find good leisure to document. However, right now I'm home for Diwali. Getting pampered as usual with great food, two lovely cousins to boss over, one darling of a dog and of course the silent diyas on the balcony. When it's dark and silent and chilly there are two choices- feel silent and gloomy or write to you and feel profound. Well, I'll pamper my self too.

One point of time, you could go through my slam book to verify, people thought I was very frank. I just told what I had in my mind. Perhaps I was afraid I'd get caught or perhaps I was way too lazy to make things up and remember all of it later on. Truth doesn't need two layers of memory, ain't it? life went really fine a long while. Or so I thought until I was beginning to understand there were other people on the world.

What I am today can be described with an analogy of a village chef who's now in front of micro-wave ovens and toasters and cookers. He's enjoyed cooking in the old-fashioned clay ovens regardless of the smoke spewing all over. It did him good to know that his dishes are most original and perhaps elatingly tasty. He didn't have any other concerns whatsoever. So, he cooked and cooked and the clay oven blew more and more smoke out. The whole environment except his own little house was full of smoke. His neighbours choked and choked. Some left while some others tried telling him to stop. He never really got the point until one day he figured he was so alone... Most of his neighbours whom he had loved had left him. The ones still around were choking and they were at their wits' end trying to get him to understand that he was hurting them. The self-centered chef starting understanding but he still had to fight a habit that he loved for years.

Things started getting a wee bit uneasy for me. It ain't an easy thing, you know. In those days, I still stuck to some kiddish foundations which I completely trusted in, most of which were thoroughly shaken last sem. That's when I started acknowledging the fact that I really oughtta change. Maybe for good ... or for bad. However inconvenient or dream-shattering. Things started rolling ever since.

I know you'll want to involve into the discussion regarding the necessity of the virtue of speaking truth. I have my objections here. See, a couple of years back if I liked a girl, the first thing I'd tell her when I get to talk to her is -"Hey, my name is Prathyush. And I have a crush on you!". Talk about being frank! You see, I would tell people to shove off when I'm busy and never think about it for a second cuz deep inside I knew I really was busy and personally believed that the other party had any reason to crib. It just happened I didn't care about what they felt as long as I was honest and I respected them for what they are. When I did not respect them, I of course told them about it. What I thought about them and how they could change to get better. While this won me some friends- people who could see through my coldness, there were also people who spat fire. Life went on that way. Losing more and more friends. All because of simple honesty.

It would be particularly chauvinistic of me if I told you that I resorted to lying for no fault of mine . In fact, I feel afraid nowadays. Afraid to speak the truth cuz my life ain't in my hands. I've been too weak to handle myself and while I was going through the parasitic life that I hope nobody ever treads into, I felt very insecure and I realised I can't afford to piss many people off. I felt puny and extremely self-centered to lead a good life. As one particular friend pointed out - "You know, I would have talked to you... if only you exhibited a little more manliness". That's the whole point. I was a coward! As I realised that thoroughly, I began exploring a new universe.

I surely needed a new universe. I started modelling it and giving it different dimensions. I analysed my life to minute details and began coming up with various conclusions and applicable solutions. I really don't know if I'll reach the ideal state that I defined for myself but while I'm still fighting I feel worthy. Worthy of the air I breath, of the blood that flows in my veins, of the talents I've been born with, of the love of all the friends who shared my burden...worthy of the life I've been given by parents who love me boundless.

Back then, a simple psychoanalysis would tell you that I felt very very self sufficient and banked too much on myself. It still shows when I try to work with a team. I either do all the work myself or I don't really touch it. Keeping that aside, I must tell you that you can really make not much on this world if you stayed all by yourself. I believed there are very few people I needed to bank on and they'd never let me down. And thus followed the great fallacy of assuming a normal mortal to be omnipotent. Nope, the grand fact is - no one is really perfect and you gotta make yourself the best cocktail of friends- each with their own speciality and their own drawbacks, of course. Most important of all, as they support you, you gotta support them too. The give and take goes on.

My description of my new paradigm can go on for long and as I told you, I'll try to document when I find leisure enough to do so.

Today, I feel comfortable. More people smile and wave a hi. I don't really mind if they don't (that's the best part!). More people tell me secrets and value my opinion. Growing up ain't easy but as you wade through, there's a great security in self-reliance and strength which you can never get out of burdening others. I have very few complaints and very few disappointments. However, in this new found universe of comfortable lying and growing up for good, I still haven't learnt one vital art- to act. Quite truly so, I might speak normally to the girl I like but she does sense it in a minute that I'm head over heels for her. I might be pleasant but people do get the point that I really better be alone then. To tell a lie is itself very troublesome and to behave like it's the complete truth- whoa! I got a long way to go. So, you see... I don't want to choke you but I ...heck, I don't want to cheat you either. It is one reason that I still am not adept with lying since I'm almost sure you'll see through it. As I engage myself in mastering life skills, I know I should feel handicapped for my lack of the great art of making people believe things that I don't mean. However, quite deep inside, I feel a devilish and almost childish joy bouncing within me for not being able to lick asses!

love,
Prathyush.

self

2008-07-11T12:08:00.000+05:30

Dear you,

I know it's been time and given the fact that I had one flabbergasting and phenomenal semester, it might come a little surprising to you that I hadn't written to you in a while. There's so much to write and the problem is I was so overwhelmed and couldn't choose what to write upon. While I was still deciding on the subject, Delhi came along, or better put, I came to Delhi and life was good once again after two years and I had no time to document it.

Now, after almost three months of aloofness, I don't think it'd be appropriate to write about one particular topic or incident. So, I'll talk about life at large and in general. There have been great learnings in the recent past for my interested mind. However, one great categorisation of issues has been made on the personal level. My life's issues and thought procedures necessarily fall into three basic classes. These happen to be

a)Economic philosophy and choices

b)Relationships

c)mode of work and life

And as I think of it, if I can come up with satisfyingly broad and deep theories in these three contexts, life is made. I'll have a sense of sustained foundations which can guide me all along.

There's one underlying principle which carries half of these theories on it's shoulders and this important principle is - “I'm selfish and place myself above everyone else.” Simple and outrageous as it might seem, I beg to make the point that this mode of living is reasonably tough and gives a sense of happiness and a strong logical backing for my life's decisions and ventures. The fact is everyone's gotta be selfish in the basic primary sense. (Almost) everyone's got their set of senses and appendages which make them self equipped with the basic mechanisms of sustaining oneself. And the faculty of reasoning tops this particular list of one's personal equipment. I wouldn't give you any argument involving god but going by simple reason itself, we tend to understand that each person is accountable to oneself and each person is to find his/her self most reliable. Simply said, it's you who's going to stay with yourself all your life. You come to your rescue when in need and you sustain yourself when necessary. And there, my friend, lies the selfishness I was telling you about. Love yourself and take care of yourself cuz there's no one else and even if someone's out there for you, they have themselves to take care of.I don't say you don't love somebody or that you should stop paying attention but you should realise that your soul or body is what needs most of your attention and it's only when you can trust yourself and confide in yourself that you can provide any sort of support to anybody else. I ideally stick to that... love myself and then give attention to other folks as good as I can.

When I speak of economic philosophy, I'm using a total misnomer for the actual issue that I intend to speak of. You bet I'm talking about the two major 'isms' that held the world in tension for quiet sometime. However, I'd like to drive away any impression in your mind that I probably understand the fundamentals of these two economic theories. I only have a vague idea and I shall thus not take the name of either of these monumental ideologies. In any case, while thinking of whatever little I know of these two ideologies,I've thought of two different ends and I've come up with a satisfying theory.

Imagine you are had never known your faults or you know your strengths are too good. You just can't fail,say. In this state of existence there are grand chances that you'd say of other people- “Too bad they ain't as good as I am. I'm born to be successful and let the losers go to hell.” You'd tend to believe that you,by some conspiracy of the universe, are destined to be successful and you'd even tend to think that you are working for yourself and for your betterment and why should anybody be given the credit for your hard work.

And then imagine you had been unlucky enough to face poverty or some sort of misfortune like a handicap or absence of a skill which happens to be there in almost everybody in your immediate environment. You'd feel worried cuz, visibly,you're not in luck's valuable favour. And you'd think life's so unfair and if you ought to be punished because you were not born strong and intelligent, well... there's something utterly screwed up with the existing system of the world. You would also realise that there are loads and loads of people who have weaknesses and it doesn't make sense to design a system which is so centric to some particular breed of capable folks. You'd want equality and love for everybody.

And now that I've given you the basic streams of thought I 'll put in the vital binding thread here – everyone has strengths and weaknesses of their own. If you see what I mean, it is impossible to find the perfect human who has no strengths whatsoever or no weaknesses whatsoever. Even the most capable person relies on society for a normal living. He/she might be utterly talented in one field but he/she would have to rely on the society, would have to use public systems and fundamentally would have to outsource under any circumstances. To put it best, neither you,nor I, the only two components of my world are not too perfect to not have our own ailments and drawbacks. We had rather learn to be humble because we might be better than a few but we are still within the limits of nature. The inverse logic applies too to know that we have our own strengths and it's our industry that we should rely upon. This also helps us respect each other for whatever strengths and capabilities we have. With that kind of a disposition, I'd really have no reason to feel inferior or superior to you and I'd be able to respect you and respect myself with no specks on my character.

Coming to relationships, I haven't as yet come up with a complete theory or philosophy which satisfies all my queries or might be deemed foolproof at least within my domain. I've started to think and I'll tell you soon . will keep writing more often,
love,
prathyush.

JERK

2008-04-08T18:37:00.000+05:30

Dear you,
I mean to write in spite and hatred this time. I feel like venting out the anger I have for somebody.Anybody actually, and this afternoon I just knew whom to write about.This fellow I write about is the worst chap I've met in insti till date and I hope there are no more like him. A rather scary thought, I must say.However, I should be telling what happened and how I figured out that this chap is easily one the most awful jerks you might meet.

It was my second semester then, over an year back. Those were the days I was trying to be altruistic, you know, nice and unspiteful to everybody trying to convince myself that there's an internal good to everybody and you have to appeal to it to see the better side of the person. I actually wasn't bitching about anybody then and I luckily had good friends who put up with all my sentimental and universal goodness discourses. So, you see, I was trying to trust humanity.

On one particular day, when I was completely engrossed with one particular book in the children's corner, a certain pretty looking girl turned up along with her younger brother. She is what you might call docile and small. she might have very well been younger to me, I don't know. I looked at the siblings and it was a rather nice sight... siblings out on a evening for books.

There were two couches and I was at the end of one and she sat at the end of the other(as distant as possible is the inference to be made). I got back to my book(hmmm, Obelix makes better company ,what say!).It was a little while before this fellow turned up. A rather respectable looking gentleman in his late thirties or early forties.An M.tech I supposed .It sort of caught my attention that he had to sit beside the girl in her couch rather than beside me. A little weird it seemed, but I didn't bother myself too much. A little while later, the security guard seated at his table itself, asked the girl if she was a student of the campus(only campus folks are allowed in the library). The girl happened to answer something that the security wallah couldn't get.The gentleman I mentioned volunteered to finish the conversation by telling the security that she wasn't from this insti but her parent is a working staff out here.

I have to tell you this benevolent intrusion into the conversation got the girl and myself a little surprised.She however seemed to acknowledge the fellow's gesture with a thanks. I reflected on why some people can't speak for themselves. I however managed to see he was still at the very first page of some other asterix. Now, I must tell you I've seen many people who come to start reading and develop reading habits and all that but I've never seen anyone reading one page for twenty mins. Worse still, he wasn't even reading!
And guess what, he was looking at the girl!
Now, this was something I completely hadn't expected and I just kept looking at the fellow and in a moment my eyes looked at the hand which wasn't holding the book. This hand was stationed at his groin and busy rubbing his whatever!!

Creepy !! ... creepier for someone who actually witnessed all of it.
At a point of time when I was hell bent on loving everyone around you,this came as a real blow.But, for the first time it was one of the most awful shocks I ever got.It was no time to reflect on philosophies however and I figured I had to stop this ass from doing this awful act there in the library in the vicinity of god knows how many people.

Almost close to nonchalant,I kept looking at the fellow when he noticed that I was looking in his direction.I however pretended to be looking at the window just behind the chap and the girl as if I was expecting somebody to come that way. He stopped and flipped a page in his book and (appeared to) start reading it. I got back to my book pretty much shaken by the whole thing. Not less than a minute after that I noticed he got back to his previous state and was unashamedly leching at this girl who might as well have been his kid's age.

Look, I'm not what you might call particularly masculine or chivalrous and all that stuff girls think are sexy, but well, that doesn't mean I let this ass go on doing whatever he was doing. I persisted staring at the damn window and a moment after that I went and positioned myself on the table in front of both of them and continued staring at the window content that now the fellow has no choice but get back to the book.See, I couldn't think of anything else... It was almost compulsive. He was probably cursing me to the core but I couldn't care less and what was botheringly interesting was that the girl by now figured that I was looking at her direction(i.e the window for you and me). She somehow got perturbed by the whole idea and left the place in a few mins along with that playful brother who was unaware of all this ugliness that was going on (that is enviable,I say). Well, now, a toast to her brilliant brains, I tell you, she could feel uncomfortable by a frail idiot looking at the window but couldn't sense an ass sitting beside her and shagging at her!
The jerk however left too, probably after giving me a couple of his choicest abuses...

There, that's what happened. And I feel like puking now... but there's one or two questions I bore in my mind ever since ... - How could a fellow be desperate enough to shag at a fully clad girl just looking at the face(see, I understand some despo dynamics but this is over and above my head)?
and then, whatever I did, was it right? or was there something masculine that I should have done but just slipped out of my shocked mind?

love,
prathyush.

on learning ... in a sense

2008-02-28T14:54:00.000+05:30

Dear you,

This is not the first time when I had a weird experience and I changed. however, I'd surely like to tell you recent stuff and this is what happened last Sunday.

I missed peter pan, the play. I've been told by a certain prof that he needed to talk to my parents.He also volunteered to send me off from b.tech if I'm not interested in b.tech or if I hated this institute. I had been trying to finish those wretched assignments for five days then but not one was done and I started having issues. That way, at nine in the night ,I was off on the long lonely ride again to the main gate and back.
It was one of those rides where if you asked me where I was heading to, I'd tell you -nowhere in particular.

It all felt so scary. or maybe, gloomy is the word, but gloom always scared me. I'd probably laugh to death than sit gloomy. But it was compulsive then.

I somehow got reminded of her. I thought about the last time we spoke to each other and I remembered it wasn't all of a friendly conversation. In fact, I shouldn't be complaining but, she never really talked. Those barriers seemed unbreakable to me and she always remained a hidden soul. But now I needed to talk. You shouldn't think I'm some vague fellow... I didn't talk to her for some months. See, I ain't dependent or something, I just happened to ... oh, forget it, I wanted to talk.

I sent an sms - ' are you busy? can you talk?'.

I reached the bus stop in front of the school. and went to sit there. Somehow, my knees start trembling when I think of talking to her. that tremble I felt when I was supposed to make than damn speech in front of the school in ninth standard.
So, I sat at the bus stop. But then, you remember I felt wrecked. It all feels so shady now. there weren't many on that road. It was rather lonely and gloomy in itself. The darkness of the night only seemed to add to it.I kept looking at the mobile phone. It all could feel miserable...

A certain chap came walking along the road. I recognised this guy. He was a student who was taught by one of my classmates during first year in those NSS classes. I remember my classmate cribbing about being bugged by this fellow. He looked a little shady too, I must confess. He walked in a rather weird manner and spoke in a yet weirder one... I remember folks telling me he was a little rude too if you spoke to him more. I wouldn't look at that fellow , I had my mobile to look at. I waited ...a little desperately.

As luck would have it, he came and sat at the opposite end of that rather tiny bus stop. I couldn't care less. After a while he said '"are you studying in IIT?"
"yeah" ...um, I was , wasn't I?
"which department?" he asked in that weird manner again.
I gave him a glance and registered his face had a rather worn out look on it. He was dressed rather neat and probably just had a bath but his face surely had a worn out look on it.
"computer sciences"
"Oh , do you know Hema ma'am?"
I had stopped looking at him long back. My mobile held all my attention... uhm, most of it though.
"oh, yeah , I do."
"She gave me some work last summer for her project."
"oh..."
"I and two girls from my school did it."
"cool, she paid you?"
why was he talking to me? Why was I talking back?
" yes, two thousand, two ninety four rupees"
"oh cool..."
I looked at him. He was there frail and communicative...
I got back to business, though it now hurt to think I've put her off so badly...
I thought I'd talk to this fellow.
I said " what did you with that money?"
He gave me on sheepish smile.
"I spent some on eatables."
"cool, how much is left then?"
"one thousand"
I got reminded of the day I spent two thousand on books and clothes...
I was now convinced she gave up on me. I still gave some glances at to the phone though.
"what's your name?"
"I'm Raghavendra." (I've changed the name for unnameable purposes).
" which class?"
"twelfth"
"oh, what's your dad?"
He wouldn't look at me now and acted like he didn't want to answer.
I persisted " what's your father?"
"He .. is a ..cashier."
I'm not really sure of the truth in the statement but he told me that.
" ah, what's your tenth score?" ...pardon me, but I only wanted to know...
"sixty percent.."
"oh..."
" do you get pocket money? The SBI bank gives you, no?"
" uhm, My parents give me pocket money, not SBI."
" But the bank gives you people money, I know.. "
"that's if you have a scholarship or a loan... I have neither"
"why?"
"my parents are above the two lakh per annum income limit."
"how much do they earn?"
" sixty or seventy thousand a month."
" oh my god!!"
I now wasn't looking at the phone. I kept looking straight.
"what was your tenth score?"
"I... probably got ... ninety percent"
"did you go to tuitions?"
"hehe ... no, I didn't need to".

Sometimes, I feel too lucky or just too profound for such conversations because he then said-
"how do you get such good scores?"

there was sheer puzzlement and despair in the question and I came back to reality for then I realized I'm a topper. After all the stuff about doing bad in my institute and hearing vague stuff from people evaluating me and feeling silence bite me up , I'm a topper. I'm somebody the country is supposedly proud of ...

This chap out here has his boards in a couple of months and he's on the road walking alone just like I was...
My head went low... very low.
" marks don't mean much" I heard myself saying...
"Oh ..."
"yeah, trust me, marks don't mean much."
"but..."
"hey, ain't it time you should be getting back
" what's the time?"
" nine thirty."
" Oh, I should get back home".
"yeah, so should I."

We got up and I almost forgot the mobile phone there on the busstop. I picked it up however, and cycled on.

love,
prathyush.

p.s : she called me then !

On oneself and being someone else

2008-02-15T00:31:00.001+05:30

Dear you,
I guess I was 13 years old then. I was on the terrace of an apartment in somajiguda(hyderabad)
And, on that night i was with my best friend. We talked , looked at the stars, sang, played,
and we could see the lit up Buddha at the centre of the Hussain Sagar. We were having fun and then my best friend asked me - "if you were to be born as someone else, who would you like to be ?"
I gave it some thought. Very few people would ask me such interesting questions...
Maybe it was only her. Only she'd ask me such interesting questions and I'd ponder over them
knowing there's no particular right answer. And those were times when I'd really think of what I
really am and what I really wanted. After running my mind through the likes of the president of
the U.S ,a tamil musician in front of a packed hall and some scientist who's just come across the most freaky invention of the earth I made up my mind finally and said "I should like to be myself... with some modifications though" . I still remember her smile when I said that .

And now after five years, when I come to think of it, I figure the answer doesn't stand the same now. I now seem to have performance issues, desperate wants, deep insecurities, lost friendships, teen desires, new doubts, shrinking enthusiasm and a dearth of confidence .... I don't know. I never had this stuff before... and I never needed to analyse.

As I think of it now, I figure out there are lots of things I want to be. I wish I could be some guy up there climbing a virtual ladder with his mom and dad all proud of him. Or I wish I was the man sitting behind the camera of Alai payuthe.And then, I strongly wish I was a stuffed dog called ...
Worse still,I'm not sure if I can blurt this out cuz in real vague times, I wish I was that guy in
Original Sin.

But hey, before you end up thinking I'm some vague hypocrite, I should tell you that though I'm an accepted hypocrite now I had never in fact lied to my best friend. And to this day, over all those people I mentioned, there's this one person I envy a lot and wished I can be him now. This chap's a thirteen year old kid called Prathyush who being on the terrace of an apartment in Somajiguda talked to his best friend,played, laughed, sang and gazed at stars. He could also look at the lit up Buddha at the centre of Hussain Sagar (Oh, how I envy him!). I wish I could be that kid cuz he was so confident, so innocent, so cozy...
and above all, he was happy being himself.

Love,
Prathyush.

growing up blues

2008-02-10T19:38:00.000+05:30

dear you,
I happen to write blank verse once in a while and I do like it when folks read it . The following one was written a month or two after i turned eighteen and realised i never felt so lonely in my life. check it out and do tell me if you like it.

" I could have screamed,
yelled out and thrown a tantrum.
But, I had no time and
there was no one to blame.

Or, I could have cried,
one lonely night,bitter and sullen,
But i had no courage
to lose control and lose myself.

And after all that ,
All I did was shed a tear,
one tear which ran down ,
before being lost to the world ,
witnessed the soul that makes me what i am now."

no issues now though. it was a little time back....

love,
prathyush.

p.s: I love writing postscripts.

Intro of the blog

2006-12-20T17:26:00.000+05:30

Uhm the name is amprecarious as in i am precarious in life. well the funda shall be explained later on if the blog does get to be posted in or questioned in the future. well, as it so happens, i've been through only four or five blogs in my seventeen(the number pains) years of life.three had poems and two were by my friends in iitm the stud level ones.so what's my blog going to look like? i thought and this post is supposed to be the introduction of the blog.
I speak to many people more than they know. i have lots of things to tellto chakri,pinni, shilpa,soumya pinni,balam,kiran,karthik,SG,srujan,ajit,akash,krishna shastri,kalyan, neha, pavan,kamal hassan, rajinikanth,mani ratnam, rohit,someshwar,srinivas,pranesh, saad, naresh, harsh, aditya gopi, anoosh,pravin, raghav,ahmad,vikram,arun, aneesh,akarsh,aditya,sudheer, vamsi, RKK, pushkarini, bhawna,gouthami,sravya,niharika,the girl i met in snake park,the girl i met in satyam cinema,the nss coord, ileana d'cruz,jyothika,nagesh kukunoor,mahesh babu,daniel radcliffe,the boy i gave a lift to.......

and the list goes on. letters kinda keep getting written in my mind every night before i doze off hugging my pillow. i thought there's a need to communicate. not to the people the letters are meant to but to the fellow who composes them. the stuff i speak to these ppl is nothing of any specific importance to the addressee. and moreover i would be considered insane and actually end up being that if i ever started writing all of them to their respective destinations.so what i need is a place where i can write all without the worry of someone not reading muh stuff or someone reading muh stuff and getting pained.because the moment anyone feels pained by the stuff i'm telling u , please leave muh blog or put up a post on how i can change myself upon that issue, i shall try to cooperate.
This blog is therefore my bench in the park to utter irrelevant stuff, my shoutplace to yell at those who had been the cause of my pain,my auditorium where i shall clap for a person's laudable event and hmm, my confession hall where i shall not confess everything .. but shall try to retain what's left in me as innocence.