Dear you,
it's been ages. I should have been writing but I was dealing with life at large and I didn't know what to write about. A classic elephant and the blind men case. Fact is, life can't be written about in one letter nor can I resist writing. And from the mammoth wisdom I gained in recent times, you could probably flesh out a book. So, I'll write about wisdom, lessons and simple happiness later on. Some time when I find good leisure to document. However, right now I'm home for Diwali. Getting pampered as usual with great food, two lovely cousins to boss over, one darling of a dog and of course the silent diyas on the balcony. When it's dark and silent and chilly there are two choices- feel silent and gloomy or write to you and feel profound. Well, I'll pamper my self too.
One point of time, you could go through my slam book to verify, people thought I was very frank. I just told what I had in my mind. Perhaps I was afraid I'd get caught or perhaps I was way too lazy to make things up and remember all of it later on. Truth doesn't need two layers of memory, ain't it? life went really fine a long while. Or so I thought until I was beginning to understand there were other people on the world.
What I am today can be described with an analogy of a village chef who's now in front of micro-wave ovens and toasters and cookers. He's enjoyed cooking in the old-fashioned clay ovens regardless of the smoke spewing all over. It did him good to know that his dishes are most original and perhaps elatingly tasty. He didn't have any other concerns whatsoever. So, he cooked and cooked and the clay oven blew more and more smoke out. The whole environment except his own little house was full of smoke. His neighbours choked and choked. Some left while some others tried telling him to stop. He never really got the point until one day he figured he was so alone... Most of his neighbours whom he had loved had left him. The ones still around were choking and they were at their wits' end trying to get him to understand that he was hurting them. The self-centered chef starting understanding but he still had to fight a habit that he loved for years.
Things started getting a wee bit uneasy for me. It ain't an easy thing, you know. In those days, I still stuck to some kiddish foundations which I completely trusted in, most of which were thoroughly shaken last sem. That's when I started acknowledging the fact that I really oughtta change. Maybe for good ... or for bad. However inconvenient or dream-shattering. Things started rolling ever since.
I know you'll want to involve into the discussion regarding the necessity of the virtue of speaking truth. I have my objections here. See, a couple of years back if I liked a girl, the first thing I'd tell her when I get to talk to her is -"Hey, my name is Prathyush. And I have a crush on you!". Talk about being frank! You see, I would tell people to shove off when I'm busy and never think about it for a second cuz deep inside I knew I really was busy and personally believed that the other party had any reason to crib. It just happened I didn't care about what they felt as long as I was honest and I respected them for what they are. When I did not respect them, I of course told them about it. What I thought about them and how they could change to get better. While this won me some friends- people who could see through my coldness, there were also people who spat fire. Life went on that way. Losing more and more friends. All because of simple honesty.
It would be particularly chauvinistic of me if I told you that I resorted to lying for no fault of mine . In fact, I feel afraid nowadays. Afraid to speak the truth cuz my life ain't in my hands. I've been too weak to handle myself and while I was going through the parasitic life that I hope nobody ever treads into, I felt very insecure and I realised I can't afford to piss many people off. I felt puny and extremely self-centered to lead a good life. As one particular friend pointed out - "You know, I would have talked to you... if only you exhibited a little more manliness". That's the whole point. I was a coward! As I realised that thoroughly, I began exploring a new universe.
I surely needed a new universe. I started modelling it and giving it different dimensions. I analysed my life to minute details and began coming up with various conclusions and applicable solutions. I really don't know if I'll reach the ideal state that I defined for myself but while I'm still fighting I feel worthy. Worthy of the air I breath, of the blood that flows in my veins, of the talents I've been born with, of the love of all the friends who shared my burden...worthy of the life I've been given by parents who love me boundless.
Back then, a simple psychoanalysis would tell you that I felt very very self sufficient and banked too much on myself. It still shows when I try to work with a team. I either do all the work myself or I don't really touch it. Keeping that aside, I must tell you that you can really make not much on this world if you stayed all by yourself. I believed there are very few people I needed to bank on and they'd never let me down. And thus followed the great fallacy of assuming a normal mortal to be omnipotent. Nope, the grand fact is - no one is really perfect and you gotta make yourself the best cocktail of friends- each with their own speciality and their own drawbacks, of course. Most important of all, as they support you, you gotta support them too. The give and take goes on.
My description of my new paradigm can go on for long and as I told you, I'll try to document when I find leisure enough to do so.
Today, I feel comfortable. More people smile and wave a hi. I don't really mind if they don't (that's the best part!). More people tell me secrets and value my opinion. Growing up ain't easy but as you wade through, there's a great security in self-reliance and strength which you can never get out of burdening others. I have very few complaints and very few disappointments. However, in this new found universe of comfortable lying and growing up for good, I still haven't learnt one vital art- to act. Quite truly so, I might speak normally to the girl I like but she does sense it in a minute that I'm head over heels for her. I might be pleasant but people do get the point that I really better be alone then. To tell a lie is itself very troublesome and to behave like it's the complete truth- whoa! I got a long way to go. So, you see... I don't want to choke you but I ...heck, I don't want to cheat you either. It is one reason that I still am not adept with lying since I'm almost sure you'll see through it. As I engage myself in mastering life skills, I know I should feel handicapped for my lack of the great art of making people believe things that I don't mean. However, quite deep inside, I feel a devilish and almost childish joy bouncing within me for not being able to lick asses!
love,
Prathyush.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
self
Dear you,
I know it's been time and given the fact that I had one flabbergasting and phenomenal semester, it might come a little surprising to you that I hadn't written to you in a while. There's so much to write and the problem is I was so overwhelmed and couldn't choose what to write upon. While I was still deciding on the subject, Delhi came along, or better put, I came to Delhi and life was good once again after two years and I had no time to document it.
Now, after almost three months of aloofness, I don't think it'd be appropriate to write about one particular topic or incident. So, I'll talk about life at large and in general. There have been great learnings in the recent past for my interested mind. However, one great categorisation of issues has been made on the personal level. My life's issues and thought procedures necessarily fall into three basic classes. These happen to be
a)Economic philosophy and choices
b)Relationships
c)mode of work and life
And as I think of it, if I can come up with satisfyingly broad and deep theories in these three contexts, life is made. I'll have a sense of sustained foundations which can guide me all along.
There's one underlying principle which carries half of these theories on it's shoulders and this important principle is - “I'm selfish and place myself above everyone else.” Simple and outrageous as it might seem, I beg to make the point that this mode of living is reasonably tough and gives a sense of happiness and a strong logical backing for my life's decisions and ventures. The fact is everyone's gotta be selfish in the basic primary sense. (Almost) everyone's got their set of senses and appendages which make them self equipped with the basic mechanisms of sustaining oneself. And the faculty of reasoning tops this particular list of one's personal equipment. I wouldn't give you any argument involving god but going by simple reason itself, we tend to understand that each person is accountable to oneself and each person is to find his/her self most reliable. Simply said, it's you who's going to stay with yourself all your life. You come to your rescue when in need and you sustain yourself when necessary. And there, my friend, lies the selfishness I was telling you about. Love yourself and take care of yourself cuz there's no one else and even if someone's out there for you, they have themselves to take care of.I don't say you don't love somebody or that you should stop paying attention but you should realise that your soul or body is what needs most of your attention and it's only when you can trust yourself and confide in yourself that you can provide any sort of support to anybody else. I ideally stick to that... love myself and then give attention to other folks as good as I can.
When I speak of economic philosophy, I'm using a total misnomer for the actual issue that I intend to speak of. You bet I'm talking about the two major 'isms' that held the world in tension for quiet sometime. However, I'd like to drive away any impression in your mind that I probably understand the fundamentals of these two economic theories. I only have a vague idea and I shall thus not take the name of either of these monumental ideologies. In any case, while thinking of whatever little I know of these two ideologies,I've thought of two different ends and I've come up with a satisfying theory.
Imagine you are had never known your faults or you know your strengths are too good. You just can't fail,say. In this state of existence there are grand chances that you'd say of other people- “Too bad they ain't as good as I am. I'm born to be successful and let the losers go to hell.” You'd tend to believe that you,by some conspiracy of the universe, are destined to be successful and you'd even tend to think that you are working for yourself and for your betterment and why should anybody be given the credit for your hard work.
And then imagine you had been unlucky enough to face poverty or some sort of misfortune like a handicap or absence of a skill which happens to be there in almost everybody in your immediate environment. You'd feel worried cuz, visibly,you're not in luck's valuable favour. And you'd think life's so unfair and if you ought to be punished because you were not born strong and intelligent, well... there's something utterly screwed up with the existing system of the world. You would also realise that there are loads and loads of people who have weaknesses and it doesn't make sense to design a system which is so centric to some particular breed of capable folks. You'd want equality and love for everybody.
And now that I've given you the basic streams of thought I 'll put in the vital binding thread here – everyone has strengths and weaknesses of their own. If you see what I mean, it is impossible to find the perfect human who has no strengths whatsoever or no weaknesses whatsoever. Even the most capable person relies on society for a normal living. He/she might be utterly talented in one field but he/she would have to rely on the society, would have to use public systems and fundamentally would have to outsource under any circumstances. To put it best, neither you,nor I, the only two components of my world are not too perfect to not have our own ailments and drawbacks. We had rather learn to be humble because we might be better than a few but we are still within the limits of nature. The inverse logic applies too to know that we have our own strengths and it's our industry that we should rely upon. This also helps us respect each other for whatever strengths and capabilities we have. With that kind of a disposition, I'd really have no reason to feel inferior or superior to you and I'd be able to respect you and respect myself with no specks on my character.
Coming to relationships, I haven't as yet come up with a complete theory or philosophy which satisfies all my queries or might be deemed foolproof at least within my domain. I've started to think and I'll tell you soon . will keep writing more often,
love,
prathyush.
I know it's been time and given the fact that I had one flabbergasting and phenomenal semester, it might come a little surprising to you that I hadn't written to you in a while. There's so much to write and the problem is I was so overwhelmed and couldn't choose what to write upon. While I was still deciding on the subject, Delhi came along, or better put, I came to Delhi and life was good once again after two years and I had no time to document it.
Now, after almost three months of aloofness, I don't think it'd be appropriate to write about one particular topic or incident. So, I'll talk about life at large and in general. There have been great learnings in the recent past for my interested mind. However, one great categorisation of issues has been made on the personal level. My life's issues and thought procedures necessarily fall into three basic classes. These happen to be
a)Economic philosophy and choices
b)Relationships
c)mode of work and life
And as I think of it, if I can come up with satisfyingly broad and deep theories in these three contexts, life is made. I'll have a sense of sustained foundations which can guide me all along.
There's one underlying principle which carries half of these theories on it's shoulders and this important principle is - “I'm selfish and place myself above everyone else.” Simple and outrageous as it might seem, I beg to make the point that this mode of living is reasonably tough and gives a sense of happiness and a strong logical backing for my life's decisions and ventures. The fact is everyone's gotta be selfish in the basic primary sense. (Almost) everyone's got their set of senses and appendages which make them self equipped with the basic mechanisms of sustaining oneself. And the faculty of reasoning tops this particular list of one's personal equipment. I wouldn't give you any argument involving god but going by simple reason itself, we tend to understand that each person is accountable to oneself and each person is to find his/her self most reliable. Simply said, it's you who's going to stay with yourself all your life. You come to your rescue when in need and you sustain yourself when necessary. And there, my friend, lies the selfishness I was telling you about. Love yourself and take care of yourself cuz there's no one else and even if someone's out there for you, they have themselves to take care of.I don't say you don't love somebody or that you should stop paying attention but you should realise that your soul or body is what needs most of your attention and it's only when you can trust yourself and confide in yourself that you can provide any sort of support to anybody else. I ideally stick to that... love myself and then give attention to other folks as good as I can.
When I speak of economic philosophy, I'm using a total misnomer for the actual issue that I intend to speak of. You bet I'm talking about the two major 'isms' that held the world in tension for quiet sometime. However, I'd like to drive away any impression in your mind that I probably understand the fundamentals of these two economic theories. I only have a vague idea and I shall thus not take the name of either of these monumental ideologies. In any case, while thinking of whatever little I know of these two ideologies,I've thought of two different ends and I've come up with a satisfying theory.
Imagine you are had never known your faults or you know your strengths are too good. You just can't fail,say. In this state of existence there are grand chances that you'd say of other people- “Too bad they ain't as good as I am. I'm born to be successful and let the losers go to hell.” You'd tend to believe that you,by some conspiracy of the universe, are destined to be successful and you'd even tend to think that you are working for yourself and for your betterment and why should anybody be given the credit for your hard work.
And then imagine you had been unlucky enough to face poverty or some sort of misfortune like a handicap or absence of a skill which happens to be there in almost everybody in your immediate environment. You'd feel worried cuz, visibly,you're not in luck's valuable favour. And you'd think life's so unfair and if you ought to be punished because you were not born strong and intelligent, well... there's something utterly screwed up with the existing system of the world. You would also realise that there are loads and loads of people who have weaknesses and it doesn't make sense to design a system which is so centric to some particular breed of capable folks. You'd want equality and love for everybody.
And now that I've given you the basic streams of thought I 'll put in the vital binding thread here – everyone has strengths and weaknesses of their own. If you see what I mean, it is impossible to find the perfect human who has no strengths whatsoever or no weaknesses whatsoever. Even the most capable person relies on society for a normal living. He/she might be utterly talented in one field but he/she would have to rely on the society, would have to use public systems and fundamentally would have to outsource under any circumstances. To put it best, neither you,nor I, the only two components of my world are not too perfect to not have our own ailments and drawbacks. We had rather learn to be humble because we might be better than a few but we are still within the limits of nature. The inverse logic applies too to know that we have our own strengths and it's our industry that we should rely upon. This also helps us respect each other for whatever strengths and capabilities we have. With that kind of a disposition, I'd really have no reason to feel inferior or superior to you and I'd be able to respect you and respect myself with no specks on my character.
Coming to relationships, I haven't as yet come up with a complete theory or philosophy which satisfies all my queries or might be deemed foolproof at least within my domain. I've started to think and I'll tell you soon . will keep writing more often,
love,
prathyush.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
JERK
Dear you,
I mean to write in spite and hatred this time. I feel like venting out the anger I have for somebody.Anybody actually, and this afternoon I just knew whom to write about.This fellow I write about is the worst chap I've met in insti till date and I hope there are no more like him. A rather scary thought, I must say.However, I should be telling what happened and how I figured out that this chap is easily one the most awful jerks you might meet.
It was my second semester then, over an year back. Those were the days I was trying to be altruistic, you know, nice and unspiteful to everybody trying to convince myself that there's an internal good to everybody and you have to appeal to it to see the better side of the person. I actually wasn't bitching about anybody then and I luckily had good friends who put up with all my sentimental and universal goodness discourses. So, you see, I was trying to trust humanity.
On one particular day, when I was completely engrossed with one particular book in the children's corner, a certain pretty looking girl turned up along with her younger brother. She is what you might call docile and small. she might have very well been younger to me, I don't know. I looked at the siblings and it was a rather nice sight... siblings out on a evening for books.
There were two couches and I was at the end of one and she sat at the end of the other(as distant as possible is the inference to be made). I got back to my book(hmmm, Obelix makes better company ,what say!).It was a little while before this fellow turned up. A rather respectable looking gentleman in his late thirties or early forties.An M.tech I supposed .It sort of caught my attention that he had to sit beside the girl in her couch rather than beside me. A little weird it seemed, but I didn't bother myself too much. A little while later, the security guard seated at his table itself, asked the girl if she was a student of the campus(only campus folks are allowed in the library). The girl happened to answer something that the security wallah couldn't get.The gentleman I mentioned volunteered to finish the conversation by telling the security that she wasn't from this insti but her parent is a working staff out here.
I have to tell you this benevolent intrusion into the conversation got the girl and myself a little surprised.She however seemed to acknowledge the fellow's gesture with a thanks. I reflected on why some people can't speak for themselves. I however managed to see he was still at the very first page of some other asterix. Now, I must tell you I've seen many people who come to start reading and develop reading habits and all that but I've never seen anyone reading one page for twenty mins. Worse still, he wasn't even reading!
And guess what, he was looking at the girl!
Now, this was something I completely hadn't expected and I just kept looking at the fellow and in a moment my eyes looked at the hand which wasn't holding the book. This hand was stationed at his groin and busy rubbing his whatever!!
Creepy !! ... creepier for someone who actually witnessed all of it.
At a point of time when I was hell bent on loving everyone around you,this came as a real blow.But, for the first time it was one of the most awful shocks I ever got.It was no time to reflect on philosophies however and I figured I had to stop this ass from doing this awful act there in the library in the vicinity of god knows how many people.
Almost close to nonchalant,I kept looking at the fellow when he noticed that I was looking in his direction.I however pretended to be looking at the window just behind the chap and the girl as if I was expecting somebody to come that way. He stopped and flipped a page in his book and (appeared to) start reading it. I got back to my book pretty much shaken by the whole thing. Not less than a minute after that I noticed he got back to his previous state and was unashamedly leching at this girl who might as well have been his kid's age.
Look, I'm not what you might call particularly masculine or chivalrous and all that stuff girls think are sexy, but well, that doesn't mean I let this ass go on doing whatever he was doing. I persisted staring at the damn window and a moment after that I went and positioned myself on the table in front of both of them and continued staring at the window content that now the fellow has no choice but get back to the book.See, I couldn't think of anything else... It was almost compulsive. He was probably cursing me to the core but I couldn't care less and what was botheringly interesting was that the girl by now figured that I was looking at her direction(i.e the window for you and me). She somehow got perturbed by the whole idea and left the place in a few mins along with that playful brother who was unaware of all this ugliness that was going on (that is enviable,I say). Well, now, a toast to her brilliant brains, I tell you, she could feel uncomfortable by a frail idiot looking at the window but couldn't sense an ass sitting beside her and shagging at her!
The jerk however left too, probably after giving me a couple of his choicest abuses...
There, that's what happened. And I feel like puking now... but there's one or two questions I bore in my mind ever since ... - How could a fellow be desperate enough to shag at a fully clad girl just looking at the face(see, I understand some despo dynamics but this is over and above my head)?
and then, whatever I did, was it right? or was there something masculine that I should have done but just slipped out of my shocked mind?
love,
prathyush.
I mean to write in spite and hatred this time. I feel like venting out the anger I have for somebody.Anybody actually, and this afternoon I just knew whom to write about.This fellow I write about is the worst chap I've met in insti till date and I hope there are no more like him. A rather scary thought, I must say.However, I should be telling what happened and how I figured out that this chap is easily one the most awful jerks you might meet.
It was my second semester then, over an year back. Those were the days I was trying to be altruistic, you know, nice and unspiteful to everybody trying to convince myself that there's an internal good to everybody and you have to appeal to it to see the better side of the person. I actually wasn't bitching about anybody then and I luckily had good friends who put up with all my sentimental and universal goodness discourses. So, you see, I was trying to trust humanity.
On one particular day, when I was completely engrossed with one particular book in the children's corner, a certain pretty looking girl turned up along with her younger brother. She is what you might call docile and small. she might have very well been younger to me, I don't know. I looked at the siblings and it was a rather nice sight... siblings out on a evening for books.
There were two couches and I was at the end of one and she sat at the end of the other(as distant as possible is the inference to be made). I got back to my book(hmmm, Obelix makes better company ,what say!).It was a little while before this fellow turned up. A rather respectable looking gentleman in his late thirties or early forties.An M.tech I supposed .It sort of caught my attention that he had to sit beside the girl in her couch rather than beside me. A little weird it seemed, but I didn't bother myself too much. A little while later, the security guard seated at his table itself, asked the girl if she was a student of the campus(only campus folks are allowed in the library). The girl happened to answer something that the security wallah couldn't get.The gentleman I mentioned volunteered to finish the conversation by telling the security that she wasn't from this insti but her parent is a working staff out here.
I have to tell you this benevolent intrusion into the conversation got the girl and myself a little surprised.She however seemed to acknowledge the fellow's gesture with a thanks. I reflected on why some people can't speak for themselves. I however managed to see he was still at the very first page of some other asterix. Now, I must tell you I've seen many people who come to start reading and develop reading habits and all that but I've never seen anyone reading one page for twenty mins. Worse still, he wasn't even reading!
And guess what, he was looking at the girl!
Now, this was something I completely hadn't expected and I just kept looking at the fellow and in a moment my eyes looked at the hand which wasn't holding the book. This hand was stationed at his groin and busy rubbing his whatever!!
Creepy !! ... creepier for someone who actually witnessed all of it.
At a point of time when I was hell bent on loving everyone around you,this came as a real blow.But, for the first time it was one of the most awful shocks I ever got.It was no time to reflect on philosophies however and I figured I had to stop this ass from doing this awful act there in the library in the vicinity of god knows how many people.
Almost close to nonchalant,I kept looking at the fellow when he noticed that I was looking in his direction.I however pretended to be looking at the window just behind the chap and the girl as if I was expecting somebody to come that way. He stopped and flipped a page in his book and (appeared to) start reading it. I got back to my book pretty much shaken by the whole thing. Not less than a minute after that I noticed he got back to his previous state and was unashamedly leching at this girl who might as well have been his kid's age.
Look, I'm not what you might call particularly masculine or chivalrous and all that stuff girls think are sexy, but well, that doesn't mean I let this ass go on doing whatever he was doing. I persisted staring at the damn window and a moment after that I went and positioned myself on the table in front of both of them and continued staring at the window content that now the fellow has no choice but get back to the book.See, I couldn't think of anything else... It was almost compulsive. He was probably cursing me to the core but I couldn't care less and what was botheringly interesting was that the girl by now figured that I was looking at her direction(i.e the window for you and me). She somehow got perturbed by the whole idea and left the place in a few mins along with that playful brother who was unaware of all this ugliness that was going on (that is enviable,I say). Well, now, a toast to her brilliant brains, I tell you, she could feel uncomfortable by a frail idiot looking at the window but couldn't sense an ass sitting beside her and shagging at her!
The jerk however left too, probably after giving me a couple of his choicest abuses...
There, that's what happened. And I feel like puking now... but there's one or two questions I bore in my mind ever since ... - How could a fellow be desperate enough to shag at a fully clad girl just looking at the face(see, I understand some despo dynamics but this is over and above my head)?
and then, whatever I did, was it right? or was there something masculine that I should have done but just slipped out of my shocked mind?
love,
prathyush.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
on learning ... in a sense
Dear you,
This is not the first time when I had a weird experience and I changed. however, I'd surely like to tell you recent stuff and this is what happened last Sunday.
I missed peter pan, the play. I've been told by a certain prof that he needed to talk to my parents.He also volunteered to send me off from b.tech if I'm not interested in b.tech or if I hated this institute. I had been trying to finish those wretched assignments for five days then but not one was done and I started having issues. That way, at nine in the night ,I was off on the long lonely ride again to the main gate and back.
It was one of those rides where if you asked me where I was heading to, I'd tell you -nowhere in particular.
It all felt so scary. or maybe, gloomy is the word, but gloom always scared me. I'd probably laugh to death than sit gloomy. But it was compulsive then.
I somehow got reminded of her. I thought about the last time we spoke to each other and I remembered it wasn't all of a friendly conversation. In fact, I shouldn't be complaining but, she never really talked. Those barriers seemed unbreakable to me and she always remained a hidden soul. But now I needed to talk. You shouldn't think I'm some vague fellow... I didn't talk to her for some months. See, I ain't dependent or something, I just happened to ... oh, forget it, I wanted to talk.
I sent an sms - ' are you busy? can you talk?'.
I reached the bus stop in front of the school. and went to sit there. Somehow, my knees start trembling when I think of talking to her. that tremble I felt when I was supposed to make than damn speech in front of the school in ninth standard.
So, I sat at the bus stop. But then, you remember I felt wrecked. It all feels so shady now. there weren't many on that road. It was rather lonely and gloomy in itself. The darkness of the night only seemed to add to it.I kept looking at the mobile phone. It all could feel miserable...
A certain chap came walking along the road. I recognised this guy. He was a student who was taught by one of my classmates during first year in those NSS classes. I remember my classmate cribbing about being bugged by this fellow. He looked a little shady too, I must confess. He walked in a rather weird manner and spoke in a yet weirder one... I remember folks telling me he was a little rude too if you spoke to him more. I wouldn't look at that fellow , I had my mobile to look at. I waited ...a little desperately.
As luck would have it, he came and sat at the opposite end of that rather tiny bus stop. I couldn't care less. After a while he said '"are you studying in IIT?"
"yeah" ...um, I was , wasn't I?
"which department?" he asked in that weird manner again.
I gave him a glance and registered his face had a rather worn out look on it. He was dressed rather neat and probably just had a bath but his face surely had a worn out look on it.
"computer sciences"
"Oh , do you know Hema ma'am?"
I had stopped looking at him long back. My mobile held all my attention... uhm, most of it though.
"oh, yeah , I do."
"She gave me some work last summer for her project."
"oh..."
"I and two girls from my school did it."
"cool, she paid you?"
why was he talking to me? Why was I talking back?
" yes, two thousand, two ninety four rupees"
"oh cool..."
I looked at him. He was there frail and communicative...
I got back to business, though it now hurt to think I've put her off so badly...
I thought I'd talk to this fellow.
I said " what did you with that money?"
He gave me on sheepish smile.
"I spent some on eatables."
"cool, how much is left then?"
"one thousand"
I got reminded of the day I spent two thousand on books and clothes...
I was now convinced she gave up on me. I still gave some glances at to the phone though.
"what's your name?"
"I'm Raghavendra." (I've changed the name for unnameable purposes).
" which class?"
"twelfth"
"oh, what's your dad?"
He wouldn't look at me now and acted like he didn't want to answer.
I persisted " what's your father?"
"He .. is a ..cashier."
I'm not really sure of the truth in the statement but he told me that.
" ah, what's your tenth score?" ...pardon me, but I only wanted to know...
"sixty percent.."
"oh..."
" do you get pocket money? The SBI bank gives you, no?"
" uhm, My parents give me pocket money, not SBI."
" But the bank gives you people money, I know.. "
"that's if you have a scholarship or a loan... I have neither"
"why?"
"my parents are above the two lakh per annum income limit."
"how much do they earn?"
" sixty or seventy thousand a month."
" oh my god!!"
I now wasn't looking at the phone. I kept looking straight.
"what was your tenth score?"
"I... probably got ... ninety percent"
"did you go to tuitions?"
"hehe ... no, I didn't need to".
Sometimes, I feel too lucky or just too profound for such conversations because he then said-
"how do you get such good scores?"
there was sheer puzzlement and despair in the question and I came back to reality for then I realized I'm a topper. After all the stuff about doing bad in my institute and hearing vague stuff from people evaluating me and feeling silence bite me up , I'm a topper. I'm somebody the country is supposedly proud of ...
This chap out here has his boards in a couple of months and he's on the road walking alone just like I was...
My head went low... very low.
" marks don't mean much" I heard myself saying...
"Oh ..."
"yeah, trust me, marks don't mean much."
"but..."
"hey, ain't it time you should be getting back
" what's the time?"
" nine thirty."
" Oh, I should get back home".
"yeah, so should I."
We got up and I almost forgot the mobile phone there on the busstop. I picked it up however, and cycled on.
love,
prathyush.
p.s : she called me then !
This is not the first time when I had a weird experience and I changed. however, I'd surely like to tell you recent stuff and this is what happened last Sunday.
I missed peter pan, the play. I've been told by a certain prof that he needed to talk to my parents.He also volunteered to send me off from b.tech if I'm not interested in b.tech or if I hated this institute. I had been trying to finish those wretched assignments for five days then but not one was done and I started having issues. That way, at nine in the night ,I was off on the long lonely ride again to the main gate and back.
It was one of those rides where if you asked me where I was heading to, I'd tell you -nowhere in particular.
It all felt so scary. or maybe, gloomy is the word, but gloom always scared me. I'd probably laugh to death than sit gloomy. But it was compulsive then.
I somehow got reminded of her. I thought about the last time we spoke to each other and I remembered it wasn't all of a friendly conversation. In fact, I shouldn't be complaining but, she never really talked. Those barriers seemed unbreakable to me and she always remained a hidden soul. But now I needed to talk. You shouldn't think I'm some vague fellow... I didn't talk to her for some months. See, I ain't dependent or something, I just happened to ... oh, forget it, I wanted to talk.
I sent an sms - ' are you busy? can you talk?'.
I reached the bus stop in front of the school. and went to sit there. Somehow, my knees start trembling when I think of talking to her. that tremble I felt when I was supposed to make than damn speech in front of the school in ninth standard.
So, I sat at the bus stop. But then, you remember I felt wrecked. It all feels so shady now. there weren't many on that road. It was rather lonely and gloomy in itself. The darkness of the night only seemed to add to it.I kept looking at the mobile phone. It all could feel miserable...
A certain chap came walking along the road. I recognised this guy. He was a student who was taught by one of my classmates during first year in those NSS classes. I remember my classmate cribbing about being bugged by this fellow. He looked a little shady too, I must confess. He walked in a rather weird manner and spoke in a yet weirder one... I remember folks telling me he was a little rude too if you spoke to him more. I wouldn't look at that fellow , I had my mobile to look at. I waited ...a little desperately.
As luck would have it, he came and sat at the opposite end of that rather tiny bus stop. I couldn't care less. After a while he said '"are you studying in IIT?"
"yeah" ...um, I was , wasn't I?
"which department?" he asked in that weird manner again.
I gave him a glance and registered his face had a rather worn out look on it. He was dressed rather neat and probably just had a bath but his face surely had a worn out look on it.
"computer sciences"
"Oh , do you know Hema ma'am?"
I had stopped looking at him long back. My mobile held all my attention... uhm, most of it though.
"oh, yeah , I do."
"She gave me some work last summer for her project."
"oh..."
"I and two girls from my school did it."
"cool, she paid you?"
why was he talking to me? Why was I talking back?
" yes, two thousand, two ninety four rupees"
"oh cool..."
I looked at him. He was there frail and communicative...
I got back to business, though it now hurt to think I've put her off so badly...
I thought I'd talk to this fellow.
I said " what did you with that money?"
He gave me on sheepish smile.
"I spent some on eatables."
"cool, how much is left then?"
"one thousand"
I got reminded of the day I spent two thousand on books and clothes...
I was now convinced she gave up on me. I still gave some glances at to the phone though.
"what's your name?"
"I'm Raghavendra." (I've changed the name for unnameable purposes).
" which class?"
"twelfth"
"oh, what's your dad?"
He wouldn't look at me now and acted like he didn't want to answer.
I persisted " what's your father?"
"He .. is a ..cashier."
I'm not really sure of the truth in the statement but he told me that.
" ah, what's your tenth score?" ...pardon me, but I only wanted to know...
"sixty percent.."
"oh..."
" do you get pocket money? The SBI bank gives you, no?"
" uhm, My parents give me pocket money, not SBI."
" But the bank gives you people money, I know.. "
"that's if you have a scholarship or a loan... I have neither"
"why?"
"my parents are above the two lakh per annum income limit."
"how much do they earn?"
" sixty or seventy thousand a month."
" oh my god!!"
I now wasn't looking at the phone. I kept looking straight.
"what was your tenth score?"
"I... probably got ... ninety percent"
"did you go to tuitions?"
"hehe ... no, I didn't need to".
Sometimes, I feel too lucky or just too profound for such conversations because he then said-
"how do you get such good scores?"
there was sheer puzzlement and despair in the question and I came back to reality for then I realized I'm a topper. After all the stuff about doing bad in my institute and hearing vague stuff from people evaluating me and feeling silence bite me up , I'm a topper. I'm somebody the country is supposedly proud of ...
This chap out here has his boards in a couple of months and he's on the road walking alone just like I was...
My head went low... very low.
" marks don't mean much" I heard myself saying...
"Oh ..."
"yeah, trust me, marks don't mean much."
"but..."
"hey, ain't it time you should be getting back
" what's the time?"
" nine thirty."
" Oh, I should get back home".
"yeah, so should I."
We got up and I almost forgot the mobile phone there on the busstop. I picked it up however, and cycled on.
love,
prathyush.
p.s : she called me then !
Friday, February 15, 2008
On oneself and being someone else
Dear you,
I guess I was 13 years old then. I was on the terrace of an apartment in somajiguda(hyderabad)
And, on that night i was with my best friend. We talked , looked at the stars, sang, played,
and we could see the lit up Buddha at the centre of the Hussain Sagar. We were having fun and then my best friend asked me - "if you were to be born as someone else, who would you like to be ?"
I gave it some thought. Very few people would ask me such interesting questions...
Maybe it was only her. Only she'd ask me such interesting questions and I'd ponder over them
knowing there's no particular right answer. And those were times when I'd really think of what I
really am and what I really wanted. After running my mind through the likes of the president of
the U.S ,a tamil musician in front of a packed hall and some scientist who's just come across the most freaky invention of the earth I made up my mind finally and said "I should like to be myself... with some modifications though" . I still remember her smile when I said that .
And now after five years, when I come to think of it, I figure the answer doesn't stand the same now. I now seem to have performance issues, desperate wants, deep insecurities, lost friendships, teen desires, new doubts, shrinking enthusiasm and a dearth of confidence .... I don't know. I never had this stuff before... and I never needed to analyse.
As I think of it now, I figure out there are lots of things I want to be. I wish I could be some guy up there climbing a virtual ladder with his mom and dad all proud of him. Or I wish I was the man sitting behind the camera of Alai payuthe.And then, I strongly wish I was a stuffed dog called ...
Worse still,I'm not sure if I can blurt this out cuz in real vague times, I wish I was that guy in
Original Sin.
But hey, before you end up thinking I'm some vague hypocrite, I should tell you that though I'm an accepted hypocrite now I had never in fact lied to my best friend. And to this day, over all those people I mentioned, there's this one person I envy a lot and wished I can be him now. This chap's a thirteen year old kid called Prathyush who being on the terrace of an apartment in Somajiguda talked to his best friend,played, laughed, sang and gazed at stars. He could also look at the lit up Buddha at the centre of Hussain Sagar (Oh, how I envy him!). I wish I could be that kid cuz he was so confident, so innocent, so cozy...
and above all, he was happy being himself.
Love,
Prathyush.
I guess I was 13 years old then. I was on the terrace of an apartment in somajiguda(hyderabad)
And, on that night i was with my best friend. We talked , looked at the stars, sang, played,
and we could see the lit up Buddha at the centre of the Hussain Sagar. We were having fun and then my best friend asked me - "if you were to be born as someone else, who would you like to be ?"
I gave it some thought. Very few people would ask me such interesting questions...
Maybe it was only her. Only she'd ask me such interesting questions and I'd ponder over them
knowing there's no particular right answer. And those were times when I'd really think of what I
really am and what I really wanted. After running my mind through the likes of the president of
the U.S ,a tamil musician in front of a packed hall and some scientist who's just come across the most freaky invention of the earth I made up my mind finally and said "I should like to be myself... with some modifications though" . I still remember her smile when I said that .
And now after five years, when I come to think of it, I figure the answer doesn't stand the same now. I now seem to have performance issues, desperate wants, deep insecurities, lost friendships, teen desires, new doubts, shrinking enthusiasm and a dearth of confidence .... I don't know. I never had this stuff before... and I never needed to analyse.
As I think of it now, I figure out there are lots of things I want to be. I wish I could be some guy up there climbing a virtual ladder with his mom and dad all proud of him. Or I wish I was the man sitting behind the camera of Alai payuthe.And then, I strongly wish I was a stuffed dog called ...
Worse still,I'm not sure if I can blurt this out cuz in real vague times, I wish I was that guy in
Original Sin.
But hey, before you end up thinking I'm some vague hypocrite, I should tell you that though I'm an accepted hypocrite now I had never in fact lied to my best friend. And to this day, over all those people I mentioned, there's this one person I envy a lot and wished I can be him now. This chap's a thirteen year old kid called Prathyush who being on the terrace of an apartment in Somajiguda talked to his best friend,played, laughed, sang and gazed at stars. He could also look at the lit up Buddha at the centre of Hussain Sagar (Oh, how I envy him!). I wish I could be that kid cuz he was so confident, so innocent, so cozy...
and above all, he was happy being himself.
Love,
Prathyush.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
growing up blues
dear you,
I happen to write blank verse once in a while and I do like it when folks read it . The following one was written a month or two after i turned eighteen and realised i never felt so lonely in my life. check it out and do tell me if you like it.
" I could have screamed,
yelled out and thrown a tantrum.
But, I had no time and
there was no one to blame.
Or, I could have cried,
one lonely night,bitter and sullen,
But i had no courage
to lose control and lose myself.
And after all that ,
All I did was shed a tear,
one tear which ran down ,
before being lost to the world ,
witnessed the soul that makes me what i am now."
no issues now though. it was a little time back....
love,
prathyush.
p.s: I love writing postscripts.
I happen to write blank verse once in a while and I do like it when folks read it . The following one was written a month or two after i turned eighteen and realised i never felt so lonely in my life. check it out and do tell me if you like it.
" I could have screamed,
yelled out and thrown a tantrum.
But, I had no time and
there was no one to blame.
Or, I could have cried,
one lonely night,bitter and sullen,
But i had no courage
to lose control and lose myself.
And after all that ,
All I did was shed a tear,
one tear which ran down ,
before being lost to the world ,
witnessed the soul that makes me what i am now."
no issues now though. it was a little time back....
love,
prathyush.
p.s: I love writing postscripts.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
