Liar Liar!

Dear you,
it's been ages. I should have been writing but I was dealing with life at large and I didn't know what to write about. A classic elephant and the blind men case. Fact is, life can't be written about in one letter nor can I resist writing. And from the mammoth wisdom I gained in recent times, you could probably flesh out a book. So, I'll write about wisdom, lessons and simple happiness later on. Some time when I find good leisure to document. However, right now I'm home for Diwali. Getting pampered as usual with great food, two lovely cousins to boss over, one darling of a dog and of course the silent diyas on the balcony. When it's dark and silent and chilly there are two choices- feel silent and gloomy or write to you and feel profound. Well, I'll pamper my self too.

One point of time, you could go through my slam book to verify, people thought I was very frank. I just told what I had in my mind. Perhaps I was afraid I'd get caught or perhaps I was way too lazy to make things up and remember all of it later on. Truth doesn't need two layers of memory, ain't it? life went really fine a long while. Or so I thought until I was beginning to understand there were other people on the world.

What I am today can be described with an analogy of a village chef who's now in front of micro-wave ovens and toasters and cookers. He's enjoyed cooking in the old-fashioned clay ovens regardless of the smoke spewing all over. It did him good to know that his dishes are most original and perhaps elatingly tasty. He didn't have any other concerns whatsoever. So, he cooked and cooked and the clay oven blew more and more smoke out. The whole environment except his own little house was full of smoke. His neighbours choked and choked. Some left while some others tried telling him to stop. He never really got the point until one day he figured he was so alone... Most of his neighbours whom he had loved had left him. The ones still around were choking and they were at their wits' end trying to get him to understand that he was hurting them. The self-centered chef starting understanding but he still had to fight a habit that he loved for years.


Things started getting a wee bit uneasy for me. It ain't an easy thing, you know. In those days, I still stuck to some kiddish foundations which I completely trusted in, most of which were thoroughly shaken last sem. That's when I started acknowledging the fact that I really oughtta change. Maybe for good ... or for bad. However inconvenient or dream-shattering. Things started rolling ever since.

I know you'll want to involve into the discussion regarding the necessity of the virtue of speaking truth. I have my objections here. See, a couple of years back if I liked a girl, the first thing I'd tell her when I get to talk to her is -"Hey, my name is Prathyush. And I have a crush on you!". Talk about being frank! You see, I would tell people to shove off when I'm busy and never think about it for a second cuz deep inside I knew I really was busy and personally believed that the other party had any reason to crib. It just happened I didn't care about what they felt as long as I was honest and I respected them for what they are. When I did not respect them, I of course told them about it. What I thought about them and how they could change to get better. While this won me some friends- people who could see through my coldness, there were also people who spat fire. Life went on that way. Losing more and more friends. All because of simple honesty.

It would be particularly chauvinistic of me if I told you that I resorted to lying for no fault of mine . In fact, I feel afraid nowadays. Afraid to speak the truth cuz my life ain't in my hands. I've been too weak to handle myself and while I was going through the parasitic life that I hope nobody ever treads into, I felt very insecure and I realised I can't afford to piss many people off. I felt puny and extremely self-centered to lead a good life. As one particular friend pointed out - "You know, I would have talked to you... if only you exhibited a little more manliness". That's the whole point. I was a coward! As I realised that thoroughly, I began exploring a new universe.

I surely needed a new universe. I started modelling it and giving it different dimensions. I analysed my life to minute details and began coming up with various conclusions and applicable solutions. I really don't know if I'll reach the ideal state that I defined for myself but while I'm still fighting I feel worthy. Worthy of the air I breath, of the blood that flows in my veins, of the talents I've been born with, of the love of all the friends who shared my burden...worthy of the life I've been given by parents who love me boundless.

Back then, a simple psychoanalysis would tell you that I felt very very self sufficient and banked too much on myself. It still shows when I try to work with a team. I either do all the work myself or I don't really touch it. Keeping that aside, I must tell you that you can really make not much on this world if you stayed all by yourself. I believed there are very few people I needed to bank on and they'd never let me down. And thus followed the great fallacy of assuming a normal mortal to be omnipotent. Nope, the grand fact is - no one is really perfect and you gotta make yourself the best cocktail of friends- each with their own speciality and their own drawbacks, of course. Most important of all, as they support you, you gotta support them too. The give and take goes on.

My description of my new paradigm can go on for long and as I told you, I'll try to document when I find leisure enough to do so.

Today, I feel comfortable. More people smile and wave a hi. I don't really mind if they don't (that's the best part!). More people tell me secrets and value my opinion. Growing up ain't easy but as you wade through, there's a great security in self-reliance and strength which you can never get out of burdening others. I have very few complaints and very few disappointments. However, in this new found universe of comfortable lying and growing up for good, I still haven't learnt one vital art- to act. Quite truly so, I might speak normally to the girl I like but she does sense it in a minute that I'm head over heels for her. I might be pleasant but people do get the point that I really better be alone then. To tell a lie is itself very troublesome and to behave like it's the complete truth- whoa! I got a long way to go. So, you see... I don't want to choke you but I ...heck, I don't want to cheat you either. It is one reason that I still am not adept with lying since I'm almost sure you'll see through it. As I engage myself in mastering life skills, I know I should feel handicapped for my lack of the great art of making people believe things that I don't mean. However, quite deep inside, I feel a devilish and almost childish joy bouncing within me for not being able to lick asses!



love,
Prathyush.